Food Review: KFC Doubledown

Do you remember the scene in Fight Club where Tyler and ___ were stealing human fat to make soap? Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are comedy geniuses in that scene. When the bag of fat gets stuck on the barb wire and starts pouring onto Brad Pitt, I am both hilariously entertained and positively mortified by the disgustingness. Now picture if some of that had gotten into his mouth. Then he ate it. That is the scene I imagine in my head as I get my first taste of a Kentucky Fried Chicken Doubledown.

 Today my curiosity got the better of me and I hoofed it over to KFC to check out their food abomination known as the Doubledown. A bacon and cheese sandwich that has replaced the bun with two fried chicken breasts. I do this for you dear reader.

Visually, the sandwich looks like it could be tasty. The chicken breasts almost resembling two pieces of bread that were baked without being kneaded into submission. Don't be fooled. The folks at KFC are kind enough to wrap the sandwich in wax paper so that you don't have to handle the greasy bun substitutes directly I look at this beast and my heart sinks a little. I am about to eat the most disgusting concoction ever created.

As I bite into the sandwich I am overcome with a salty almost sweat like taste. If you could make a sandwich out of grissle and tears, it would taste exactly like a KFC double down. The cheese and sauce give the DD the most vile texture I've ever had the displeasure of chewing. Imagine a full ketchup packet mixed with Laffy Taffy. I'm having a really hard time eating this sandwich.

Luckily, I enjoy KFC's coleslaw. I'm not a big coleslaw guy but I need a distraction from the taste of this sandwich and my Mt. Dew is not doing enough to cleanse my palet after each bite. That's right, the taste is so gross you want to get it out of your mouth after each bite.

 Apparently there is bacon on this thing. I am going to skip the pretense of calling it a sandwich anymore. You can't taste the bacon, but overall the sandwich tastes more pork like than chicken. I'm almost done with the foul aberration. The last few bites are the worst. All that's left is grissle and breading and some cheese. I do the smart thing and just leave it. 

 As I walk out of KFC my conscience is heavy. I'm imagining the entirety of that sandwich going straight to an artery. I honestly debate whether or not finding some syrup of ipecac is a good idea or not.
 The Doubledown is not a meal, it is self abuse. There should be a support group for cutters and doubldown eaters. On the walk home, on a warm day here in LA, sweat begins to bead on my forehead and I think, "I'm  not sweating, I'm oozing doubledown." Gross.